Lyrics Epic Rap Battles Of History – Jacques Cousteau vs Steve Irwin
Text:
Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
JACQUES COUSTEAU!
VS!
BEGIN!
Jacques Cousteau:
Jacques Cousteau, here to spit flow
Invented SCUBA, captained the Calypso
Palme d’Or-winning documenter of the ocean
Ready to battle a desperate, sweaty showman!
You’re chunky and soft, you get on my nerves!
You’re the only manatee I don’t want to conserve!
My Life Aquatic was adventure and beauty
I’m so cool, Bill Murray played me in ze movie
I have Oscars! You’re in Doctor Dolittle 2!
So run back home to your daddy’s zoo!
And just to be clear, ’cause I’m no veterinarian:
Were you killed by a fish kids pet at ze aquarium?
Steve Irwin:
Holy smokes, what a place to go!
You’d need a submarine for a blow that low! (Awhh!)
You’d better run! You’d better take cover!
‘Cause crikey, I’m going from croc to Jacques hunter!
Have a look at this salty fella:
His face looks like it’s made of pure leather!
Look out! He’s got the body of a naked mole rat!
He’s cranky ’cause he has to wear a Papa Smurf hat!
I’m a wild man, you’re a subdued sub dude!
The only crocs you could handle are some slip-on shoes
You could make a whole show about the ocean dry!
But with the sheilas you sure had fun
Your mistress was as young as your first-born son!
You never shoulda stepped to the wildlife defender
Now embrace your French nature and quietly surrender!
Jacques Cousteau:
Talk about sons, better watch what you say now
You almost turned yours into Outback Mistake-house!
Steve Irwin:
Would you rather talk about your brother? Ooh boy!
Nazi! Nazi! Nazi! Oy! Oy! Oy!
Jacques Cousteau:
Enough of your antics and madness!
Contain yourself, like my underwater breathing apparatus
You’re a joke of a bloke in a tacky khaki romper
Go grope a dope rope, Crocodile Humper!
There’s a type of snail, recently discovered
And named after you — I’ll eat zem with butter!
Hey Skippy, the bush-league kangaroo
Hold the D, I’m Crocodile Dun with you!
Steve Irwin:
Where ya goin’, fella? Hang on a minute!
Like a Joey in a pouch, this ain’t quite finished!
Take a look how destructive your old films are
Silent World? More like Silent Worldstar!
If you wanna count fish, please take the reef tour
Don’t go throwin’ C-4 on the sea floor!
I’m the gold medal rhymer on the podium
Cleanin’ you up like a Jacques Cousteau-dian (Wooo!)
I’m Mother Nature’s greatest conservationist
When I rock the mic, I’m danger! Danger! Dangerous!
So go back down under with your crew
I just blew through you like a didgeridoo!
Announcer:
WHO WON?
WHO’S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EEEEEEEEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!