Текст Jon Cozart – Progressive Christmas Carols

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen:
We wish you happy holidays, whoever you may be
So merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or heck all three
We’ve modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie

Santa Clause is Coming to Town:
You better not judge, you better not hate
Better not bully or discriminate
Progressive Santa’s coming to town
He’s making a list of gluten free foods
He won’t take a peek at J-Law’s nudes
Progressive Santa’s coming to town
He’s 50 different races
And all for tax reform
He’ll protect all your children
Well, as long as they’ve been born
You’d better watch out… Too far? Okay.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer:
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer)
Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends)
He passed his bright red traits on (traits on)
Darwin said that’s how it goes (evolution’s not a theory)

Mary Did You Know:
Mary did you know that your baby boy supports the NRA
Mary did you know that your baby boy is white
Did you know-

Deck the Halls:
Deck the halls with kujichagulia
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
Give zawadi, hang benderas

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch:
You’re a green one, Mr. Grinch
You’re lacking in finesse
That greenish epidermis determines your success
Mr. Grinch
Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress
You’re an outlier, Mr. Grinch
You give the Whos a fright
They say your heart is 3/5ths normal,
You’re either wrong or white
Mr. Grinch
Don’t walk the streets of Whoville you might fight a cop the Whos will not indict

White Christmas:
I’m dreaming of a racially ambiguous holiday

Away In A Manger:
Away in a manger with Jesus and crew
His schmeckle got cut cause hey Christ was a Jew

O Holy Night:
O holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night Jesus did something holy
(I don’t know the whole story)
Joseph watched golf (Right?), his leather chair reclining
As Mary birthed a child, I think a donkey was involved (Any help here? God?)
Three wise men came, with GPS they found him
Christ lied in a barn, as his omniscient baby-daddy tucked him in
Jesus crawled on his knees
His mom shared it on snapchat
O bright device!
O night, when Christ celebrated Christmas