Lyrics Bo Burnham – Channel 5 News: The Musical

Tonight at 10
The world is ending again
And we know why and when
So you better watch

We got a bit
With some feminist chick
And also a picture of a starlet’s crotch!

Two people died,
A double homicide
Their bodies found inside
Of a wishing well

And we tackle the flaws
In these obesity laws
In this segment that’s sponsored
By Taco Bell

We’ve got violence, danger, sex, and drugs
And it’s awesome ’cause all of it’s real!
We do the illusion of news
And while you think you’re choosing the views
That you feel…
All of this and more and live
Only on the Channel 5 News!

Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!

Spoken
We’ve got Chip Walker, live at the scene, with breaking news! Chip are you there?

Chip Walker here
Am I coming in clear?
I’m standing near

This Iraqi guy’s shop
Seemed a newsworthy spot
So we’ve been gathering shots
Here for quite some time

Today, real fast
The owner’s daughter passed
We grabbed a shot of her ass
While the owner was near

Then he struck my chest
And now he’s under arrest
And now you people have one less
Man to fear

His family’s angry, crying, sad, and lost
And it’s awesome, ’cause all of it’s real!
I do the illusion of news
And while you think you’re choosing the views
That you feel…
More as this develops live
Only on the Channel 5 News!

Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!

Spoken
We go now to Max Stevens with the weather for the weekend
What are we looking at here, Max: umbrellas or picnic baskets?
Max? Max?!

We’re experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by
Please stand…
Please stand by…
Please stand…
Please stand by…
Please stand…
Please stand by…
Alright, we got a signal. Cut to Max

Good evening, hi
It’s your weather guy
I advise you to buy
Another lightning rod

We didn’t catch
This impending disaster
Maybe it’s natural,
Maybe it’s God
(He’s off script.)

The sliding mud
The incoming flood
(He’s off script.)
Will never wash the blood
From my greedy old hands!
(He’s off script! Cut to commercial!)

This job was fun,
I had a pretty good run
But I’ve never been one to give in to demands!
(He’s off script! Cut to commercial!)

People are angry, crying, sad, and lost
And it’s awful ’cause all of it’s real!
We do the illusion of news
And while you think you’re choosing the views
That you feel…
All of this and more and live
Only on the Channel 5
Only on the Channel 5
Only-only-on
(We’re back)

Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!
It’s only on the Channel 5 News!

Only on the Channel 5
Only on the Channel 5
Only on the Channel 5
Only on the Channel 5

Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!