Текст Bo Burnham – One Man Shows

I’m 19 years old, I’m a young comedian
I hate that term, «young comedian», you know
I prefer «prodigy»
And people, they pigeonhole me as a comic

And then ’99
’99, I did a show called The Catholic Orgasm, I’ll do a scene from that
(Moaning)
(Sobbing)

2000, I did a piece called The Inappropriate Musician, I’ll do a scene from that
«Mike
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike, th-
Mike, think about your kids, do you want them to grow up without a father, is that what you want, Mike?! Mi-
Please listen to me, I’m your friend
No, Mike, don’t jump!
No, Mike, no!
(Slide whistle down)
(Slide whistle up)
«He’s saved»

2001, I did John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath
Except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexual predator called The Rapes of Grath

2002, I did a piece, if you’re familiar with The Elephant Man
I did a piece based off that called Bulldog Man (Voice cracks when he says «man»)
Oh, also known as Bulldog Man (Says «man» properly) for those who hit puberty
And I uh
I’ll do a monologue from that right now
(Silence)
(Laughter)
For those listening on the CD, I kind of look like a bulldog

2003, 4? 3. Doesn’t matter, I’m lying
2000-
2004, I did a piece called Sméagol, from Lord of the Rings, Having Sex with a Black Chick, I’ll do that
(Moaning as Sméagol)
«Precious»
I actually got a Danza nomination for that, it was
Right after the Tony’s

2000, uh, 5
2005, if I could get a blackout for this, I did a piece called Charlie Brown Getting Molested, so if we could blackout right now
«Hello?
Is anybody here?»
(Unintelligible trombone noises a la Peanuts cartoon)
«What the fuck are you doing?! Let go of me!»
(Unintelligible trombone noises)
«Good grief»

So, 2000, uh, bring the lights up
2007
2007, I did a piece called The Juggler’s Wife, I’ll do a scene from that
«Please
Stop JUGGLING!»

2008, I did a
Bit of a controversial piece because I played a slave in the 1780’s, but I didn’t wear make-up
‘Cause I feel as, you know, an artist I’m qualified to tell any story, and uh
It was a piece called Whiplashes and this was the climactic scene
It is hard, raw art, so if you’re adverse to that, you might want to look away
But this is, um, the climactic scene from Whiplashes and I hope you enjoy it
«You’ll have to answer to God for this»
(Whip crack)
«Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
…You’re a dick»

And then, uh, 2000-
…9, which is the last year before the piece I’m doing currently
I did a piece called, it’s a very emotional piece, it means a lot to me so forgive me if I break down
But this is a, uh, a scene from it and the piece was called A Boy and His Dog
«Get out of here, alright?
Go, I can’t afford to keep you anymore, I just
I can’t, it’s too
Please don’t make this harder than it has to be, I
I hate you, is that what you need to hear from me?
Alright, I hate you
I hate you!
It’s not just me
My dog hates Mexicans too»